Thoughts on Pregnancy

So I'm pretty much convinced at this point that pregnancy is a period of time in which doctors are instructed to make parents-to-be as anxious and concerned as possible. As if the process itself isn't taxing enough you are constantly hit with all of these "what-if" scenarios that make you question your ability to even raise a child before it comes into the world. I have worked very hard to keep my head grounded but with all those extra hormones floating around in there sometimes you just can't help but completely lose your sh*t. Take this past Monday for example...

Jake had a meeting at work and my OB appointment was at 2:45pm so I took the Metro from work to Ballston and then caught the super-convenient bus to the hospital center. My thought was that an appointment at that point in the afternoon would surely be delayed and he would pick me up afterwards. If only that had been the case. The doctor I was seeing must not have had a back log despite how many people were in the waiting room. She saw me very quickly. I was anxious to hear what she had to say about the results of the last ultrasound regarding Tarzan as I am now referring to him. I was surprised she didn't bring it up. We briefly talked about a couple of other things and then she checked my progress, just over 1 cm dilated. That, of course, doesn't actually mean that much. I asked her about the ultrasound finally and she started looking over the numbers more carefully. This was when I was expecting some reassurance that the supposed size wasn't that big of an issue and I didn't get it. Instead she went into concerned mode and offered up a planned c-section. Now I won't say she was pushing for it, she wasn't, but I think she felt obligated to let me know that there could be complications trying to deliver a baby if he was over 10 pounds by the time he decided to come. Apparently they cannot use suction or forceps and there is risk of shoulder displacement or nerve damage. She did also say though that we could go through with the c-section and the baby might not be that large. I'm nearly in tears at this point unsure of what to say other than "big babies run in my family" and "he might come early, my mom delivered early both times". I obviously was in no condition to make that kind of decision on the spot, alone, so I asked if it was okay to wait a week for our next appointment. She said that would be fine. We're seeing a different doctor next time so I'm anxious for another opinion on the matter.

I texted Jake that I was already headed home and left with one thought ringing through my thick skull, what if I make the wrong choice? Needless to say I hid my tears behind my sunglasses as the bus took me home. To add insult to injury the stupid bus driver did not stop when I signaled so and I had to walk further once he finally stopped. So, so, so many people have told me that size estimations are typically wrong. I'll be honest, I'm not against the idea of a c-section but I also don't want to just plan one because some machine thinks that is what I should do. Jake did a good job of comforting me when he got home. He said that we would go on Monday morning, ask a lot of questions, and make our decision together. And if baby boy decided to come before then we'd just go with it.

So now it's Friday. I'm at work for the last time before I go on leave. My boss granted me telework until the baby comes. There hasn't been much by the way of signs that labor is coming, but I don't think there ever really are. I'm calm but also anxious. There's a full moon on Monday and a huge storm headed this way next week. I suspect this will not be an uneventful delivery when it happens.